Wednesday, February 08, 2012

The One About Infertility

As you may or may not know, Mark and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary (yay!). When we first got married, we decided that we would start having kids after 5 years of marriage. We got married after only 3 and a half months of knowing each other, so it was a pretty good idea to take some time to get to know each other before we had kids and no time for each other. Around 4 years I started asking, "When we said 5 years, did that mean we'd have a baby at 5 years? Or start trying for a baby at 5 years?" We prayed and decided that it was time to start trying. That was a year and a half ago, and, as you know, we still have no children.

The first 6-8 months of trying it was really easy to have the "when it happens, it happens" attitude. Most women transitioning off of birth control take several months to have their normal bodies back. Apparently, I am not most women. And it's often hard to face that fact. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for my friends and family who are able to get pregnant so easily. I adore their children, and look forward to meeting many new little ones. Those lives are so precious and sweet. But sometimes I just get so jealous. I'm not used to being jealous, since I'm pretty much amazing and usually have no need to be jealous of others (haha, also I'm hilarious). And since we're commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth", and we're constantly counseled by our prophets to raise righteous families, and everyone around me is pregnant, then why is it so hard for me?! (insert sob here)

I'm sorry. My point in writing this was not supposed to be my pity party. I just needed to give a little background so I could relate an experience I had while working in the temple yesterday. I was assigned to sit in the celestial room for a while. When there is nobody else there we are allowed to read scriptures, so that's what I was doing. I was reading in 1 Nephi Chapter 17, right before Nephi is commanded to build a ship. Verse 3 taught me something. Before I explain, let me tell you about the inner struggle I have been having. I felt like if I was supposed to have children, then my body would be ready and just work when it was supposed to. Being an emotionally unstable person already, I have been hesitant to try medications that will change my hormones and help me conceive. I've heard horror stories about women turning into monsters (in mood only) due to different drugs in order to have babies, and I didn't want that. "If God wants me to have a baby, He can help put one there," was my attitude. Verse 3 changed this for me: "And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and astrengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them;" (italics added). For me, that doesn't say that God will change my body or fix it or anything of the sort. For me, that meant that there are other things that are provided in my day to help people like me fulfill the commandments of God. (insert a little bit of peace here)

I'm still not pregnant, but my heart is changing and I'm starting to feel okay with getting extra help from modern medicine. It may turn me into a grouch, but my Heavenly Father wants me to have children and I am willing to make the sacrifice. Let's just hope Mark and I feel the same way when I'm actually on the medicine...

16 comments:

Steph said...

I love you jess. You are such an amazing example. I miss ya tons. The Scriptures are amazing!

valerie sallay said...

You are pretty awesome! :) and everyone can have a pity party every once in a while.. You will be a great mom! And I can tell you from experience, being pregnant will probably make you a grouch.. John often tells me he doesn't know if he can handle me being pregnant again because I am so moody, mean, and annoyed with him.. But I can tell you that it is worth it!! You are awesome! and I am super excited for you guys! Your kids will be BEAUTIFUL!!

fern said...

what a beautiful experience in the temple- love you

Kyna said...

Jess,

I love you.

Thanks for sharing, I know so many women who have had to/ are dealing with this same issue.

I don't know why we go through certain trials in life, but I do know that God will be there for us throughout the whole thing.

So glad you found comfort in the temple!

Sean and Jennie said...

What an awesome experience! Thank you so much for sharing it. I have such a testimony of Heavenly Father's ability to send our children into our families at the right time.
My family has a history of infertility and I always knew I would have a hard time getting pregnant. After I got married I was diagnosed with PCOS and immediately went on metformin and clomid. I was horrified of the side effects! My sister got really grumpy and my mom always told me awful stories about infertility drugs as well. I felt pretty normal. My husband told me I was a little more irritable than normal, but it wasn't too bad for me. I got pregnant the very first month with clomid, then miscarried 11 weeks later. I had to wait a little while to try again but got pregnant with my little Brett after only 4 months! Its not the most pleasant medicine, but totally worth it! I also read a book called Taking Charge of your Fertility by Toni Weschler, I loved it and felt like it was half the battle because it taught me what to look for in my own body.
Best of luck to you!!!

Manda Jane Clawson said...

I understand completly how you feel. Scott and I tried for 2 years before we were able to get pregnant (we found out I was the week before our 6th anniversary). It included 2 surgeries, medication, and a lot of tears and heartache. Infertility can be a rough road but the outcome will be the biggest blessing of your life. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here :)

Julie said...

What a sweet experience! Thank you for sharing and reminding us all that the scriptures can have answers for us and our Heavenly Fathers cares about us and every thing we care about. Hang in there!

Rose said...

Yes...had the same feelings while trying for 4 1/2 years to get Zack. I did the Clomid and did not have the terrible side affects...just the good one...Zack! I had to take it again to get the twins, but only once. Perhaps your body make up is close to mine and your experience will be similar.

I wondered why I had to wait...hind sight is that my boys needed to come at a certain time to be in the lives they were suppose to be in. It's hard to see that from your chair...but if it was meant to be...it will happen!

Love you!

Matt & Manda said...

Thanks for this sweet message. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through, it breaks my heart! I'll be praying for you. We miss you guys!

Anonymous said...

Keep the faith girl! The lord works on his time not ours... hence Ryker entering our family when we were done having kiddos! Biggest blessing of our lives though.

Love ya!
Tera

Wendy said...

You are awesome. And hilarious. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Charu said...

All the best girl.. Hope you see kids in your place soon!

Thought I Couldnt But I Can said...

Sounds awesomee! <3

Keith, Heather and Carsen said...

My heart goes out to you!! Like Jennie (above) My self and my most of the women in my family all have PCOS, which makes conceiving difficult. We have all had very good experiences and were able to get pregnant fairly quickly once we were put on metformin. I would talk to your doc to see if that is a concern for you as well. It is much more common than most people even know. I am so glad that you were able to have such an awesome experience at the temple! I completely believe that we were put on the earth at this time where there are things to help us achieve our goals! I wish you both all the best!! thoughts and prayers going your way!!!

Kellie said...

Awesome story. It is amazing all the things Heavenly Father has done for us. You will be an awesome mom, Jess. We miss you!

ps, we got the Monopoly card game :)

alfburg03 said...

Jess, first of all I want to say thanks for sharing. My heart and prayers go out to you. I have been there and sometimes it just plain stinks! When we rounded our 8th anniversary I pretty much thought that it would be just Kent and I forever. Hang in there and know that sometimes trials are there just because and blessings come when least expected. And remember that you are absolutley entitled so sob here and there. Sometimes you just need it. Someone told me once that crying actually releases toxins from your body. Whenever I cry I tell myself that I am doing my body good by ridding myself of toxic watse:)

Thanks for sharing your temple experience. I have truly felt the Lord strengthening me and I know he will you too. Revelation is sure a great thing. I love that scripture written so long ago can be so impactful and specific to our circumstances now. You're awesome! And congratulations on the house!