As you may or may not know, Mark and I just celebrated our 5 year anniversary (yay!). When we first got married, we decided that we would start having kids after 5 years of marriage. We got married after only 3 and a half months of knowing each other, so it was a pretty good idea to take some time to get to know each other before we had kids and no time for each other. Around 4 years I started asking, "When we said 5 years, did that mean we'd have a baby at 5 years? Or start trying for a baby at 5 years?" We prayed and decided that it was time to start trying. That was a year and a half ago, and, as you know, we still have no children.
The first 6-8 months of trying it was really easy to have the "when it happens, it happens" attitude. Most women transitioning off of birth control take several months to have their normal bodies back. Apparently, I am not most women. And it's often hard to face that fact. Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for my friends and family who are able to get pregnant so easily. I adore their children, and look forward to meeting many new little ones. Those lives are so precious and sweet. But sometimes I just get so jealous. I'm not used to being jealous, since I'm pretty much amazing and usually have no need to be jealous of others (haha, also I'm hilarious). And since we're commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth", and we're constantly counseled by our prophets to raise righteous families, and everyone around me is pregnant, then why is it so hard for me?! (insert sob here)
I'm sorry. My point in writing this was not supposed to be my pity party. I just needed to give a little background so I could relate an experience I had while working in the temple yesterday. I was assigned to sit in the celestial room for a while. When there is nobody else there we are allowed to read scriptures, so that's what I was doing. I was reading in 1 Nephi Chapter 17, right before Nephi is commanded to build a ship. Verse 3 taught me something. Before I explain, let me tell you about the inner struggle I have been having. I felt like if I was supposed to have children, then my body would be ready and just work when it was supposed to. Being an emotionally unstable person already, I have been hesitant to try medications that will change my hormones and help me conceive. I've heard horror stories about women turning into monsters (in mood only) due to different drugs in order to have babies, and I didn't want that. "If God wants me to have a baby, He can help put one there," was my attitude. Verse 3 changed this for me: "And thus we see that the commandments of God must be fulfilled. And if it so be that the children of men keep the commandments of God he doth nourish them, and astrengthen them, and provide means whereby they can accomplish the thing which he has commanded them;" (italics added). For me, that doesn't say that God will change my body or fix it or anything of the sort. For me, that meant that there are other things that are provided in my day to help people like me fulfill the commandments of God. (insert a little bit of peace here)
I'm still not pregnant, but my heart is changing and I'm starting to feel okay with getting extra help from modern medicine. It may turn me into a grouch, but my Heavenly Father wants me to have children and I am willing to make the sacrifice. Let's just hope Mark and I feel the same way when I'm actually on the medicine...
2 days ago